 fortune index all fortunes
| | #6083 | | Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
| | | #6084 | | -- Gifts for Children --
This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and
months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning
cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what
they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks
he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd
better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your
child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial
tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not
get the right gift.
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
| | | #6085 | | Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters
needs pounding.
| | | #6086 | | Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
| | | #6087 | | Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
-- Martin Mull
| | | #6088 | | How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
-- Linus Van Pelt
| | | #6089 | | "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
"With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your dust
speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-Nut oil!"
-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
| | | #6090 | | I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
| | | #6091 | | I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
They're still living in the fifties.
-- Strange de Jim
| | | #6092 | | I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
the sky blue?"
HE asked me about black holes in space.
(There's a hole *where*?)
I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
(Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
HE talked internal combustion engines.
(The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
as equals.
HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
the graphics.
Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
(Gotcha!)
-- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
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