 fortune index all fortunes
| | #5408 | | You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes
make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to
damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In
fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back
to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back
and forth for hundreds of years.
The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound
some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.
-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
| | | #5409 | | You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.
-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
| | | #5410 | | You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
-- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
| | | #5411 | | You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
-- S. Rickly Christian
| | | #5412 | | You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
-- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
| | | #5413 | | You must dine in our cafeteria. You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
| | | #5414 | | You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2
if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each
"special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4
if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In many restaurants, this means the
waiter will actually owe you money. If you are traveling with a child aged
six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to
twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the
banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets
made of partially chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
| | | #5415 | | Your mind is the part of you that says,
"Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
"Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
-- Steven and Ondrea Levine
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